Breathe in the Independence

Dear 123Greetings subscriber,

Tumultuous ! That’s the word !!! This week’s been totally terrific ‘n topsy-turvy, fellas ! And guess what, I’m utterly washed out ! Check out a snapshot of my real life nightmares… Ron’s gone into war mode with poor me as his target, I’m being tormented by memories of my Boss running after me with a walking stick, Steve’s been tryin’ to fly with his hands, ‘n on top of that, Pirate’s big bad bro’s are threatening to pay me a visit ! After having to deal with all this ‘n more in a space of jus’ a week, any surprise that I’m completely bushwhacked ? But hey, don’t worry ! Ol’ Bob will bounce back soon enough ! You jus’ strap on your seatbelts ‘n get ready for a wacky ride through Loonsville !

Megan and I go for long walks whenever time permits and on one of those walks we hit upon a beautiful idea. Throwing stones ! Yup ! You see, we were short of a Frisbee and thought it would be fun to throw stones and measure up the distance to decide the winner. And so we began… a few pebbles and stones later, I hit up on a solid rugged stone and threw with all my might… the stone flew like a dream and Meggy squealed in delight….and then a shriek and a scream. Shriek from Megan and scream from, well, an old man on his evening walk in the Central Park; should’ve landed smack on his head I guess. Count me to be brave… it took exactly 5 minutes 3 seconds to reach my abode. Yup ! All I did was get a glimpse of the screaming old man and I scooted. Hmm… ! some start for the Fourth of July. Anyways….in the evening I had to go to Aaliyah’s place to meet her parents for the first time n’ I was nervous. This is important, I knew, and attired right. Flipped open my phone to give her a call and she coolly reassured me everything would be alright. On reaching her house, I give her the flowers and she bid me in with a peck on the cheek. Ambience was great what with Country Music playing and the cool furniture. Well, I met her mom and we chatted a bit and moved to the dinner table when her dad arrived and joined us. We sat for dinner and offered Grace, our heads bent down in prayer. …in a minute everyone was up and ready to hold the fork and knife while I was still down…

Aaliyah…waited for a while, nudged me, and whispered…

“Bob, I never knew you were so devout ?!

“Well, I never remember you telling me that your Old man goes for a walk in the Central Park either !”

Rachel, my niece, parks herself near the TV when American Idol plays. She is one big Sanjaya fan and roots for him. But what gets to me is that she apes his hair-dos and makes the drawing room look a Halloween haven. She gives a smirk if there is one abusive comment about him. The Idol judge Simon doesn’t much care about her views, you see; he gives Sanjaya an earful every episode. Reclining on the couch at the back, Rachel gets a clear view to shoot a cookie straight at Simon… of course, he never gets hurt, but the casualties are usually Kong and me. At the wrong moment I raise my head to have a better view and get stung by the Rachel missile. Kong gives a growl when she hits his rear with a swirling cookie as he sneaks his way to taste her share of apple pie. Kiddo she is, alright, but it hurts when hit… Remote is my savior and with a click I move into the Disney world and she becomes human again watching the toony toons. Remote Control Day is round the corner and to give the magic wand its due send the cards to one and all.

Steve loves company when he sky gazes. Of course, he is an eerie sight in the night when he stands atop the roof sighting the stars with god-knows-what gadgets ! Last Sky Day, he wanted to burn the midnight oil all through the night to get a clear view of the galactic “whatever” ! Well, the worst part was he brought Meggy, Aaliyah, Ron, and me along to keep him company when he does his stuff…Sigh !

Trust Bob, to make the scene light….I wagered all of a sudden,

“Hey, people…anyone who takes a flight and lands on the parapet on the next storey gets a 100 bucks !”

Megan, “Nah ! Not me…”

Ron, “Dangerous Bobby… I scoot”

Steve, “I rather look up than down…Bob…. you and your ideas, you suck !”

Well… everything was quiet for a minute; I guess the thought of pocketing $100 was doing the rounds… hmm… Thump ! Oops ! It was Steve who was off to a froggy leap, ohmigod, he landed hard… should have hurt ! … Some guts ! We shrieked, squealed, and applauded… he got to his feet; reached the roof; and I went, “Bravo Steve…you did it…100 bucks wouldn’t do it, you took the dare, take a 100 more”

Steve, “I don’t want your damn money Bob, jus’ tell me who the heck pushed me down ?”

You haven’t forgotten Chris, have you ? Well, I can’t help but remember him about a dozen times every day ! You see, he’s the guy who foisted his pet dog Pirate on me when he went away on a work trip to Europe. Now the fella has coolly taken a transfer to Ottawa ‘n I’m stuck here with a living nightmare who makes it a point to chew up my shoes, raid my kitchen and get on my sweet neighbor Mrs. Bradley’s nerves night ‘n day ! Even Kong’s been corrupted ‘n has taken to the evil ways ! So when Megan mentioned that Canada Day was comin’, the first thought that flashed across my mind was, “Call Chris !” It was time to bark across the borders ‘n tell that sneaky Chris what a devil he’d let loose in my home ! I called up pronto, but the conversation didn’t quite go as planned when I mentioned the prickly Pirate issue…

“That dog’s quite a handful, you know ?” I gave a slight hint…

“Yeah ! But since you’re a dog lover, I’m sure Pirate’s quite at home.”

“Oh, he’s ‘at home’ all right, but I’m nearly on my last legs…”

“I didn’t introduce Pirate’s other two brothers Blackbeard ‘n Captain Kidd to you, did I ?”

“WHAT ? No, ummm… Nice talking to you, Chris ! See ya later…”

It’s funny how a tiny change in perspective can change the way you look at the world, ain’t it ? I’d called up to give Chris a piece of my mind… ‘n ended up thanking my lucky stars ! Talk about international diplomacy !

Uh, oh ! Red Alert ! Guards up !!! It’s that time of the year again ! In case you’re wondering why on earth I’m so paranoid, lemme clear the air. With International Joke Day jus’ a few days away, you can never be too careful ! Did I tell you how we pulled a prank on the Boss once ? Guys, it was hilarious ! I’d come fairly to office early that day ‘n stuck a board on Mr. Big’s door. It said, “I’m the BOSS !” Of course, I let my friends in on the secret… but the Boss didn’t have any idea ! So when he marched in, he was pretty taken aback ! But he didn’t say a word ‘n coolly went in. After a while, Ron went in for a meeting. We jumped on him the moment he came out ! “Did he say anything ?” We asked. “No. But he seemed pretty pleased today.” Ron replied. “I think he’s secretly pleased with the sign !” Brilliant ! It was time to move operations to Stage 2. I poked my head through his door ‘n saw him nicely smiling to himself ! “Err… Boss,” I interrupted his thoughts with a shout, “Your wife called… She wants her sign back !” Whoa ! You should’ve seen how the big guy changed color ! His face turned from pink to puce in two seconds flat ! “I’ll teach you a proper lesson, you young whippersnapper !” He barked ‘n came after me with his century old walking stick ! I fled to save my poor soul ! Only two days later, when Donna assured me that he’d cooled down, did I dare go back to office !

You do remember Ron’s amazing adventure last week, don’t you ? Whenever the poor fellow stepped out on the streets, people somehow started mistaking him for “the Amazing Guide to New York and the Universe” and started coming up to him with all sorts of odd questions ! Poor fella nearly went mad that day ! Well, naughty as yours truly is, I picked up on the trend and started the “Ask Ron !” campaign in office too ! (*wink) “What’s the zip code of Roswell, Ron ?” Donna would suddenly demand to know ! “What’s the shade difference between Burgundy ‘n Carmine ?” Kate would enquire with an innocent look ! Imagine the plight of our resident foodie ! I swear he lost quite a few pounds in jus’ a couple of days ! But when Mr. Big quipped, “Jus’ send me a report ‘bout the ticket prices to the moon, will ya ?” Ron decided enough was enough ! He stood up ‘n declared, “This answering machine stops working on I Forgot Day, understand guys ? ‘N anybody tryin’ to act funny after that gets a whack on the head with this paperweight ! Capiche ?” Glaring at me, he took his seat. Oops ! Time to buy a helmet !