All In The Family

Dear 123Greetings subscriber,

It’s a conspiracy, I tell you ! How else do you explain the fact that nearly all my friends are lunatics ? You don’t believe me, do you ? Well, lemme jus’ give you a teaser of the unbelievable movie my life has become… First, Steve nearly gets us thrown into prison on suspicion of terrorist activities ! Then Rick solemnly declares that given a chance, he’d declare Coffee Day a national holiday ! And on top of that, two li’l bandits are threatening me that they’ll totally mess up my life this week ! Well, as you can see, it’s life as usual in Bobby-Land ! Sit up ‘n jump right into the action !

I am reminded of an incident that happened in my teen days on Parent’s Day. I had this cycle, American Eagle ! It was my prized possession through my schooling days and was my confidant and friend. Well, naturally I gave it the nick,”Elvis”, apparently…I worshipped him, you see ! My bicycling skills were legendary in our street. When it’s time to apply the brake I usually hit the peddle and naturally there were victims, Mr. Bradley who was mowing his lawn, my cousins who rode along with me, the lamp post, drain pit, etc….and “Elvis” had the tendency to break down very often…. the main ailment was the weak spokes; it’s like a pack of cards….one falls, the others fall around it….and the spokes cost me $2. Big bucks for an eleven-year-old ! Twice or thrice I was reprimanded by my dad for my carelessness. Of course, my gorgeous grandma would bail me out those times. As it happens, always, it broke down again, I didn’t dare tell my old man, so I just carried on with the broken spoke; heard a pop on the way; and ended up with two broken spokes. Disaster ! I calculated with all my fingers to arrive at $5 to be the expense. Hmm….Went home, didn’t know what to do, and at night I plotted that terrible plan. The piggy bank that my mom exclusively kept for rainy days was my target. I did the unthinkable, I used a sewing needle to poke and extract $5 Bill folded n number of times and hid it safe in my backpack in the middle of my favorite picture book and went to sleep. The next day, I started early and moved to the Repair shop….it was closed. It had to be ! You see everything was going wrong. I had to wait watching my back around, you know, I stole money and I was sweating…. scared, and then the grumpy fellow came to fix the problem. I asked him how much would it cost….he said $5. Of course, I kept asking him if he was sure it’s gonna cost $5 all through his repairing ordeal getting him as frustrated as I could. When he was through, I instantly took the Bill from the book, handed it, and fled errr…I felt the hand on my shoulder and in his hand was this $5 Bill unfolded with a big hole in the middle. Armageddon ! I started sweating like a pig, shirt sticking to my back, and he was good with words, I mean the expletives, well, I am his first trade and I pulled out something like this ! I pawned my Math book, and went to school, somehow sat through the school hours and ran home. I needed $5 now to get the book back. I usually hit the sack around 9 o’ clock those days, but this time, I wasn’t able to, kept tossing and turning, but the sleep eluded me….I felt myself standing up, walking and knocking my folks room and when my mom opened the door, I directly went to their bed, snuggled in and broke down, started crying like hell, and when my dad asked me what has transpired, I cried even louder. They left me cry to my fill and then got the story out of me. My dad said, “I’m proud of you Bob, you know, that you came clean, it’s alright, just concentrate on your studies, now go Bobby boy hit the bed.” I could see they were smiling. I didn’t know why. I slept the next minute I hit my bed. If seen from a third-person perspective, it would seem funny, but for me, it ironed a flaw I was practicing !

When Steve is bored you better keep away from him. You see, I learnt it the hard way ! On one of those days (?) I took him to the nearest Macy’s to kill time and he almost got us behind bars. With glassed eyes like a zombie, he moved around and the first thing he did before we took the elevator was to stare at the security camera sticking his tongue out for a few seconds, and then started combing his hair…ohmigod ! This guy is going crazy ! I pushed him to the kitchen section and he started playing with knives lying there and asked the salesgirl, “Hey, do you have anti-depression pills here ?” She scooted immediately….well, I don’t blame her, he had two knives in his hand ! I somehow managed to pull him to the next floor where he picked up a couple of shirts and went into the fitting room. Relief ! Nah ! I, well, everyone heard him yell from inside, “don’t you people have toilet paper here….that was it ! I barged in and with the help of others dragged him out the door of the mall. When he was out of the trance, he explained casually, “Bob, it’s Anti-boredom Month, and I thought I figured, I should do a few nutty things, Ya know !” Oh Yeah ! Right. Why the hell do I end up with these guys, go figure !

My sis Becky’s kids George ‘n Rachel are two of the sweetest children you’ll ever find. But I have a li’l problem… Since the time they were toddlers, my nephew ‘n niece somehow got the idea that I would be a prime target for all their nasty pranks ! I have a strong suspicion that their mom has a hand behind this unshakeable faith of theirs… probably Becky’s way of taking revenge for all the pranks I played on her when we were kids ! Anyway, every day is April Fool’s Day for me when Becky come to visit with her kids ! No matter how strict I pretend to be, those little devils can see right through me ‘n they persist in muddling up my life to the best of their abilities ! Poor me. This time they came to me with an advance warning, “Unca Bob, Monkey Day is on the way, ‘n we have decided to give you the zoo treatment !” Zoo treatment ? What on God’s green earth is that ? Nothing nice, I’m sure ! So I immediately shot back, “It’s Act Like A Caveman Day jus’ after… so how ‘bout a tit for tat ?” Ummm… that seems to have flummoxed them all right ! Whoever said ‘offence is the best defense’ actually knew a thing or two about psychological warfare, it’d seem !

You do remember the ice-cream fiasco that happened a few days ago, don’t you ? The one that led to the milk shortage in our area ? Okay, for those who missed the story, here’s a quick recap. Poor Steve had probably got up on the wrong side of his bed one morning ‘n had the temerity of suggesting to Kelly that maybe, jus’ maybe, she wasn’t such a whiz with ice-cream as she was with cookies ‘n pies ! Kelly took up the challenge ‘n made deliciously heavenly ice-cream for everyone in our locality to prove a point, leading to a drastic drop in milk supply for a couple of days ! Her ice-cream was such a hit that we queued up at her door again this time for an encore. But Kelly stood firm. “That was jus’ to show you impertinent fellas, what magic The Great Kelly can stir up in her kitchen. I wouldn’t do it again if it ain’t a special day…” As we stood around with our long faces, it was the ol’ villain of the piece Steve who surprised us by coming to our rescue !” “Hey Kitchen Queen,” he perked up, “Vanilla Ice Cream Day ‘n Ice Cream Cone Day are on the same date this time ! A double ice-cream bonanza day… how much more special can it get ?” Kelly smiled ! Yaaaahooooooo !!! Look out New York. Here comes the milk crisis again !

Okay, guys… this is an early warning announcement ! Anybody who lives in and around Kelly’s neighborhood better rush out ‘n get your weekly quota of milk in advance before stocks run out ! And trust me, there’s a good chance of that happening ! So while you’re getting your pots ‘n pans in order, lemme give you some background information about the impending crisis. As most of you folks are aware, my geeky buddy Steve is somehow responsible for most of the weird things that occur in our city. This time is no exception. And he precipitated this crisis with a single comment to Kelly… (while munching on her delicious cookies ‘n pies too, the cheek of the fella !) Our whole gang was nicely sitting around and devouring the delicacies Kelly had prepared for us when suddenly Steve remarked, “Kelly can do magic with cookies ‘n cakes, but is she any good with ice-cream ?” You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed. Then we watched as Kelly turned dark red in anger… “This Ice Cream Day,” she declared with vehemence, “I’m going to show the whole neighborhood whether Kelly can make great ice-cream or not !” She glared at Steve ‘n continued, “And you’re gonna love it soooooo much, that on Peach Ice Cream Day you’re goin’ to come begging to Kelly for more of the magic stuff !” Oops ! Get the milk, guys. Time’s running out !

“Coffee is the secret of my success !” That was Rick in hyperactive mode, declaring his ‘macho’ness to the universe… “What success ?” I mumbled ‘n yawned at the same time. “All you do is zip around in your car all day with your girlfriends.” “Exactly ! That’s what I’m talking about !” He was nearly jumping with enthusiasm ! “The secret of my immense, tremendous, runaway success with the fairer sex is coffee !” Well, that’s new ! Whoever knew that the morning java had such magical properties ? I simply arched my eyebrows. “Look at it this way,” continued Rick with unabated exuberance… “Coffee gives me all the energy, all the mojo… that’s what gives me all the oomph ‘n confidence ! If I had a say, Coffee Day ‘n Coffee Milkshake Day would be federal holidays !” Hmmm… what can I say ? Thank the powers that be that the ‘say’ of a certain person is limited to jus’ one vote !

Peace,

Bob
Editor, 123Greetings
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