Fear ‘n’ Fun

Dear 123Greetings subscriber,

Hi, guys ! Wassup ? Things are goin’ fine, right ? Keep up the good stuff ! Hmmm… you must be wondering what’s gone wrong with ol’ Bob, aren’t you ? Yes, I know you generally find me pretty harried about this time with me trying to douse the fires all around… but things have been pretty cool around here this week ! Actually, Kelly’s lovely treats have been keeping us all in good humor all through ! There’s the small matter of the milk crisis that’s soon going to hit New York City… but I’ll tell you about that later. You jus’ dive right in ‘n soak up all the fun !

You know what my dad considers one of the most favorite times of the year ? It’s Baseball Week ! Surprised ? I don’t blame you, seeing that my ol’ man has never been a sports fanatic… He even has his own name for the week – it’s ‘Meditation Week’ for him ! Figure that one out if you can. Actually, his fondness for this week started pretty long ago, when I was young. My buddy Rick is nuts about baseball ‘n he’d often come over to our place with his mates for a game in our garden. Pop’s hair always stood on end whenever he spotted a baseball bat or ball ! Can’t blame him too… we’d broken enough windows ‘n trampled countless plants in our sports frenzy, so it’s quite understandable. You must be wondering how he could love Baseball Week after all this ? Well, it was the only time when me, Rick n our buddies would be away at the grounds for extended periods of time ‘n poor dad would get some well deserved peace ‘n quiet. The tradition still continues… Rick moves about in a trance like a zombie in ‘n around this week and so it’s the only time in the year when he doesn’t come screeching into our driveway at top speed giving my ol’ fella a minor heart attack. No wonder even dad thinks that Baseball Week is cool !

It’s that time of the year when you get the license to kill err…fool ! It’s Fool’s Paradise Day ; what better can I ask for….my mind was swirling with ideas to play a prank and spare no one….while I was scheming my wily schemes, the phone rang….. 

Before I could say “Hello” 

“Bobbbb !” 

Of course, it’s my granny, she never came to terms with the idea that Graham Bell is dead and it’s been years since we can hear better through phone. She prefers the yelling tone. 

“Hi, how you doin” 

“Bob, you heard the sad news ?” 

Which one – she always quizzes me. 

“Tell me” 

“Bob ! You should know things happening around you, July 4th….( a pause to kindle my memory) Bobby, it was the car crash on the highway, route 11, the guy had a bit too much to drink and nose-dived” 

“Oh !” 

“Reckless driving….no discipline and you should see the Fox News choppers stooping low to get the pictures, scary”

“Ya” 

“And the man starts walking at 2 a.m., can you believe that?” 

“Who ? The guy in the car” 

“Bobby….(a disappointed tone- you never understand) it’s your grandfather, the old man, he paces around the living room at the middle of the night.” 

“Oh, ok” 

“Are you coming home for Christmas ?” 

“But, this is July” 

When did she listen to me ? Hmm… 

“So, are you still seeing Mercy” 

“Granny, that’s Meggy’s pet poodle, not a gal” 

“Whatever, I don’t know why you don’t respond to whatever I say, no manners, no manners…hmm…and tell ya what Bob, you should talk sense sometimes….gotta go….the News is on” 

Yeah, Right ! 

Click !

You gotta hand it to Steve ! He is so in with aliens and extra-terrestrial beings that I can almost see an antenna poking out of his head. Well, Friday The 13th is his second best day of the year, of course after Halloween. And so treat him right, to be specific, to scare him cold we planned on a Scary House trip last year. Steve just grinned at the idea and gave us a 15-minute presentation about how he wouldn’t be scared or take aback. You know, we thought maybe this is not a good idea. Anyways, stuck to our guns and pulled him to Ghost Galore. Meggy and Aaliyah shriek if they see a cat forget the ghost; they were clinging to my arms at both sides and me, yours truly, myself get goosebumps just watching Evil Dead….got to act like a man, what ya say….so with gritted teeth and semi-closed eyes began the journey. Ron the perennial prankster looked all macho until the door opened. He literally went weak on the knees and suffered a mild stroke when the guy opened the door….bravo ! Now, he was comfortably almost piggybacking on my shoulder. So our entourage moved ahead with the anti-panic Steve leading the way. The Scary House was well, scary actually quite scary. There were the skeletons, the midgets jumping around in weird clothes, dark corners leading to even more dark corners, the calm hallways breaking open with eerie voices ! I could feel myself sweat and Meggy almost in tears, and Aaliyah hanging on to my hand for her life and Ron, I guess he was unconscious. He has stopped shouting long back. But hats off to Steve, he didn’t flinch even a bit. Somehow we were through with our journey but for the last curve. We could see the door and as we turned to move out Steve abruptly stopped and gave the biggest shriek ever by human clan. Well, we all joined the party and there we went like “wolves in the woods.” Saw what shrieked Steve and found – guess what – a man-sized mirror ! Smile ! Grin ! Ohmigod ! Peals of laughter ! Steve with his geeky glasses and God-knows-what attire has sneaked a glimpse of himself to scare himself cold. You should’ve seen him go pink….worth a trip in the Mad House !

Grrrrrr ! Whoever knew that Donna had this nasty streak in her ? Let her come to office today and I’ll give her a piece of my mind. And it ain’t gonna be a tasty piece, I can tell you ! Not that she’s done anything nasty of late… But I just checked the calendar ‘n noticed that Pandemonium Day was jus’ around the corner; which is when I remembered what had happened exactly one year before ! Actually, it was Megan’s idea. She’s never up to any good ‘n was looking for a way to get my hackles up on that day. So she asked Donna for some ideas. You know how these girls band together to shred poor guys like me to pieces when it takes their fancy… So Donna coolly lent her pet puss Mr. Ruffles to Meggie with instructions to put her to optimal use ! Poor Bob the victim had been set up ‘n didn’t even know what he was in for ! The ‘fun’ started during the early morning of the D-day… I was rudely awakened to a crescendo of sounds – ‘Boom,’ ‘Crashhhh,’ ‘Woof,’ ‘Clang,’ ‘Meeeeow,’ ‘Crrrrrack,’ ‘Bow wow…’ I’d barely rubbed my eyes open when a hot fur-ball jumped on my face ! Then, bleary eyed, I saw two vicious looking dogs tearing at me ! I screamed ‘n jumped and made a beeline for the toilet, leaving a mini pandemonium in my wake ! Then, spying through a slit in the door, I figured out what had happened. Someone had let loose the warring factions in my room… the two pooches Pirate ‘n Kong on one side ‘n the pesky Persian cat Mr. Ruffles on the other ! As usual, they were at each others’ throats creating a major pandemonium in my bedroom ! Urrrrgh ! Even the memory makes my blood boil. Let Donna come today… I’ll show her what ‘pandemonium’ exactly means !

Okay, guys… this is an early warning announcement ! Anybody who lives in and around Kelly’s neighborhood better rush out ‘n get your weekly quota of milk in advance before stocks run out ! And trust me, there’s a good chance of that happening ! So while you’re getting your pots ‘n pans in order, lemme give you some background information about the impending crisis. As most of you folks are aware, my geeky buddy Steve is somehow responsible for most of the weird things that occur in our city. This time is no exception. And he precipitated this crisis with a single comment to Kelly… (while munching on her delicious cookies ‘n pies too, the cheek of the fella !) Our whole gang was nicely sitting around and devouring the delicacies Kelly had prepared for us when suddenly Steve remarked, “Kelly can do magic with cookies ‘n cakes, but is she any good with ice-cream ?” You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed. Then we watched as Kelly turned dark red in anger… “This Ice Cream Day,” she declared with vehemence, “I’m going to show the whole neighborhood whether Kelly can make great ice-cream or not !” She glared at Steve ‘n continued, “And you’re gonna love it soooooo much, that on Peach Ice Cream Day you’re goin’ to come begging to Kelly for more of the magic stuff !” Oops ! Get the milk, guys. Time’s running out !

You know how to mess up in a date ?! Ask the pundit, well, that’s me ! Aaliyah and I took a detour of our favorite haunt on Chrysanthemum Day. She was dressed in my favorite white sneakers and hip-fit jeans and looked a doll. Her hair was made into a bun and the disturbed strands of hair that flew in all directions when the breeze chose to fan her made her look a kid. I kept chanting the McDonald slogan all the while, “I’m Lovin’ It.” When she decided enough of the stroll and it’s time to yak, I moved around to fetch her a random riot of colors in the form of Chrysanthemums and she reciprocated with a face full of smile ! Cute ! She held the flowers close and was almost cuddling and talking to them when I interrupted to tell her how much I love her ! She gave her famous smile, smoothed the unruly grass spread near her foot, and went “Bob, I know you love white, tell me something, am I really beautiful, I mean, what do you like the best on me today, is it my hairstyle or my attire ?!” I gave her my evil-grin and said, “You know what Aaliyah, I like your sense of humor.” Well, I have a sick sense humor, alright. You should’ve seen her, she was momentarily taken aback, her face visibly grew small, and she withdrew into a shell in a moment and slowly, very slowly started sobbing. Oh, ha! Here I go ! Cursing myself, I pulled her in for a hug; she struggled away and wouldn’t talk. Hmm…I had to render a full unconditional apology spanning 15 minutes and promise of not repeating the mistake, and of course, to buy her one big Italian Pizza, seats on the Box for the Saturday Night play off, and to keep my word of wearing socks every time I wore shoes. What it got to do with what I did ? Whatever ! Girls ! Guys, let me warn you, think before you speak, especially to your loved one !

Peace,

Bob
Editor, 123Greetings
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