Holiday Disasters

Dear 123Greetings subscriber,

Folks I don’t know about your holiday shopping but I’m almost broke with mine! I can’t wait to begin the New Year with a new start. I’m thinking one of my resolutions should be to save money. I’m not the guy to believe in all that resolution bull, but hey, this one seems like a good one. But it’s really the spirit of the holidays that counts, right? That reminds me of Donna and what happened the other day with Rachel.

Donna’s been really busy these days. She’s been skipping lunch in order to complete her work so that she can leave early for home. For the past two days, she’s been busy making her kids’ costumes for their school play celebrating World Peace Day. When I got home, my niece Rachel was there excitedly discussing her play, too. I asked her more about it.

“Oh yes, Uncle Bob. I think World Peace is more important than Christmas,” she said. Shocked, but pleased with her response, I kidded her. “But what about the presents? The food? Visiting Grandma and Grandpa?”

She became very serious. “Bob, world peace is like a present for every little kid on earth, don’t you see?” She stopped me with that one, guys. I guess however small may be the world we live in, if we can bring about a little more peace in our own lives, then perhaps we can affect the world at large.

The other day, Megan and I were discussing the merits of adding rum to eggnog. I am definitely for it. Steve walked in and told us about his experience with egg nog. When he was a kid, he owned a Dalmatian called Dudley. Dudley lived outside in his dog house, but when the cold winter came, the dog would stay in his house up in Steve’s room.

He said, “One year, my parents decided to have a Christmas party. My mother made her Egg Nog Punch and was making a huge bowl for the party. She put me on deviled egg prep, while she measured out the rum and brandy to be added to the mixture.”

‘This egg nog is just for the grownups, you hear?’ she said to me, ‘I’ll save some plain egg nog for you and your brothers in the refrigerator.’ Now, I love a good cup of homemade egg nog and I was planning on drinking most of it before my brothers even found out it was there,” Steve said.

“Once it was ready, she went to get ready for the party. I put the big punch bowl on the buffet table with the rest of the food, then I went for the egg nog in the refrigerator, saved just for us.” Just like Steve to focus on the important things, I thought. “Next thing I heard was a scream from the dining room. My mother was yelling and cursing at someone. Then I saw Dudley running at me from that direction, his whole face covered in egg nog!” laughed Steve.

“‘That dog just drank a whole punch bowl of egg nog!’ Mom cried. She wasn’t that upset about the egg nog as she was about the rum and brandy that had been in it. It was clear that Dudley was in distress. A human only has two legs to coordinate – Dudley had four and they just weren’t working together. After two desperate attempts to walk, he simply fell down clocking his head on the floor,” said Steve.

“Oh,no!” cried Megan, “What did you do?” Steve replied, “Well, the party was in full swing by now, and our town vet had arrived. He popped his head in to see Dudley.”

“The vet said ‘I heard about Dudley’s little escapade. How is he?’ I pointed to him. The vet checked his vitals and said, ‘Good thing, your mom doesn’t have a heavy hand with the liquor. Dudley will be fine – he’s going to sleep it off just fine.’ Next time you make egg nog,” Steve said, “Save a cup or two for me, and be sure to safe guard it from Kong!”

Christmas is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be a time when you get together with your buddies and have a blast. But for Mrs. Radcliffe that wasn’t the case.

Last year, I dropped by to wish her a “Merry Christmas“. Kids were running around like mad. They were probably high on candy canes! They looked like it was the first time they saw candy or sugar. “Hi, Mrs. Radcliffe! How are you?” I asked as she opened the door with the kids swirling past around us. “Oh, Bob how nice of you to come.” She was beaming with joy because her grand kids were there. Her son, Nick flew in with his family from Cali. He doesn’t do that every year so it was a great time for Mrs. Radcliffe to have them.

Just as I entered the house we heard a yell. It was Nick’s wife, Elaine, “NICK! Come fast! NOW” I smelled smoke and we went into the living room. It was total chaos. The Christmas tree, heavy with decorations was engulfed in flames. The scene was something out of a movie! The kids were screaming and the noise was really deafening and getting on my nerves. I just picked them up, one on my left and one on my right and ran out of the house away from the smoke.

Nick grabbed some blankets and put it on the fire and it went out eventually. There was smoke everywhere. Elaine started sobbing, “I don’t know what to do with these kids!” I could tell she was high on something else too. Someone probably put a little too much rum in the egg nog!

“Well, why don’t you guys come on over to my place. I’m having some people over. We can have some fun.” I said, more out of courtesy than the “holiday spirit”. Elaine stopped crying. SIGH!!! It worked! They got their coats and walked to my place.

It was a great scene because we had an older lady, middle aged couple and preppy Talbot’s kids running around with my hipster and goth friends. Now, THAT’s surreal! They all loved it of course and we had a grand time. They loved it so much that we’re going to have a party at my place this Christmas too! And yes, NO SUGAR for the kids! I hope they tire themselves out and go to sleep early.

The trouble with being broke all the time is that it takes up all of your time. During the holidays many of us come up short and this year, even my credit cards have scorch marks. Aaliyah’s been a bit of a nag asking for something glittery for Christmas, there’s a secret Santa party at the office, there’s my party at my place, and there are four birthdays I need to celebrate. SIGH! It’s soooo overwhelming with all this stuff to get.

Now, Rick’s birthday can be celebrated at the local pub, but my boss is another story. He’s combining this year’s office dinner with his birthday. So I need to find something cheap or split the cost with someone to get something anyway. The question is: what do you get for the guy who has everything? He’s not just any guy either. He’s an eco fanatic caught up in the whole Gore choir of global warming and how we need to “save the earth.” He wouldn’t want anything that wasn’t recycled, reused or reduced.

I was discussing this with Donna while hanging around her cubicle. “I have an idea,” she said, “what about a used book? He’s a big fan of the classics.” It sounded good to me. I thought, “How much can a used book cost?” We headed down to the Battery towards The Strand after work. Donna found a perfect book that we both can chip in money for. She said it was $450. “$450!!!” I almost shouted in the store. “Shhhhhhh,” Donna tried to calm me down.

Folks I know I might be a cheapskate sometimes, but there is an ABSOLUTE LOGICAL REASON that we’re talking here. I’m not going to spend that much money on a book! Then Donna explained to me that it’s a rare first edition French book about a Greek sailor who got ship wrecked and through a series of events, became an advisor to the king of Siam. Ya, you read my mind, “WHOA” was it! This book was written back in 1697, so ya, of course it costs that much.

Donna tried to persuade me. She cajoled me, then threatened me. But I would not budge! NO WAY am I going to pay. Then I remembered that Clinton just came to sign autographs uptown in Harlem so I suggested that we go there and see if there are any autographed versions left. Donna agreed to the compromise. We got to The Hue-Man store and of course the Clinton copies were not there. But we found Al Gore’s “The Assault on Reason,” which I’ve heard him say that he wanted to read but never got around to getting it. I told Donna about it and we FINALLY reached an agreement. So we got the book.

We reached the counter to pay and I told Donna that we’re going to split the bill. She was outraged, “WHAT? Split a $25 book?!”

“Hey Donna, SHHHHH! It’s the holiday season I’m broke. Besides, I got you a present.” Donna started smiling. “I guess it’s the thought that counts. You’re right, I have to watch my spending too.” Well, at least we achieved our objective. Now we have a birthday present for the boss!

The boss’s birthday reminds me of what George Bernard Shaw said, “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” I joke about my boss and his eco-friendly fanatics but at least he’s trying to change the world in his own way and you gotta admire him for that.

Enjoy yourself and don’t spend too much money. Until next week, Happy Holidays!

Peace,

Bob
Editor, 123Greetings
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